A Date not to Remember
by AngryChair
Summary: All I will tell you is that this is the greatest Fullmetal Alchemist fanfic you will ever read. Ever.


Master Sergeant Kain Fuery had seen worse, working in the military, but nothing had ever, _ever_, EVER, made him as anxious as his impending lunch date with Warrant Officer Vato Falman. For one, Falman was not only a colleague, but also a superior. How the actual fuck was Fuery supposed to impress him? Fuery almost wished he hadn't asked him out and instead dug a hole in the ground and lived out his days making cave paintings about himself and the Officer on their own private beach with cotton candy sand and an ocean of hair gel...

No. He had to take this chance. If he didn't, his life would be lived out in complete misery, no doubt about it. There was no one as perfect for him as Vato Falman, and Fuery would honestly risk his life to be by his side. He straitened his black neck tie and loped nervously into the cafe he'd invited Falman to for this lunch break.

As he was walking past the tables, Falman spotted him first. "Hey, Fuery, over here!"

Fuery turned around and sure enough, there was Warrant Officer Falman himself. He was wearing a slate gray casual suit. Fuery gulped.

_He looks even hotter than normal, _the Sergeant thought, _What am I supposed- I don't- this is really knew to me, I- HELPHOWDOIDOTHISIHAVETOICANTIHATELIFEFUUUUUCK._

"Um... hi." Fuery said, taking his seat. "You look amazing, as always."

"Oh, uh, thanks!" said Falman, "Have to say, wasn't expected you to dress up. You look like a real gentlemen."

"Aw, you shouldn't have..." Fuery said, but in his mind he was erupting with all kinds of excitement. _Now my life will perfect forever, _he thought, _at least, until I die. _"So, what are you ordering?"

"Hm..." Falman paused, looking at the menu with it's various options, "Toast." he answered, "Definitely toast."

"That's what I'm ordering!" Fuery exclaimed. "I knew we had something in common."

"Are you kidding? Everyone loves toast!"

"I agree... golly, we're so much alike! You know, aside from the age difference."

"Hey, I don't mind if you don't mind."

"What I mind is that other minds will mind."

"Which minds do you have in mind?"

"Minds with mindsets that I mind, mind you."

"Hey, are you two lazy asses going to order or will I have to order your lazy asses out?" said their waiter.

The two ordered and then continued talking, Fuery being ridiculously anxious and on-edge hoping he was impressing the [Fal]man of his dreams (Author's note: Laugh out loud), and Falman growing slowly but surely more attracted to Fuery.

Meanwhile, back at headquarters, Colonel Mustang and crew were desperately bored to the point of honest frustration. They thought that so long as they weren't working, the break would be fun, but they were dead wrong.

"I'm so bored that I'm reading this entire newspaper for the fifth time today." said Colonel Mustang before taking a bite of his toast. "Is anything remotely interesting going on?"

"Things have been oddly peaceful recently," answered Lieutenant Colonel Hughes as he opened a bag of raw toast (Author's note: It's more commonly referred to by it's nickname, 'bread') and took out one slice. "It's ironic- we say we fight for peace, but when we get it, our job is boring."

"I prefer it to the alternative," said Major Armstrong, taking a slice of toast out of a toaster and putting it on a plate.

"It's true; this boredom is nothing compared to the struggles of war." agreed Lieutenant Hawkeye, nibbling on the corner of a diagonally cut piece of toast.

"That doesn't mean we should stop trying to get past it." argued Lieutenant Breda, chomping the center of a horizontally cut piece of toast.

"Here's some somewhat interesting news- Fuery asked Falman out and they're on a date now." Lieutenant Havoc informed the rest, having not taken one bite of his toast because he was still cutting it (he preferred it in seventeen equal pieces, and threw away any piece that was too far from precise. The others had begun collecting scraps for three weeks. Their collection already weighed in at 10 kg).

"Well good for them," said Hawkeye, "I just hope Don't ask Don't Tell doesn't apply to this military."

"Actually, same-sex couples can marry in the country, so of course that doesn't apply." Mustang informed, reading an article about how autistic penguins were going to help the Military build nukes out of earwax. He then looked in the corner and realized he'd been reading the Onion the whole time. "And we haven't had a gaypocalypse."

"Yeah," Hughes said, "Stupid Americans saying they're all into freedom and then limiting the availability of marriage in over half their country."

"Wait- what are you three even talking about?" Armstrong inquired.

"I actually forget." Mustang said as the paper vanished from his hands and was replaced by a regular one that would exist in Armestris, "What were we talking about?"

"Beats me." Hughes answered.

"I have no idea." Hawkeye admitted.

"So... Fuery and Falman?" Hughes said. "Thoughts?"

"Well," Hawkeye began, "I really have nothing to say on the matter."

While the others discussed Fuery and Falman's unnexpected date, the Colonel considered what it meant for him. Two men whom he was closely affiliated with dating each other... he was beginning to hatch a brilliant plan. Because he was a Colonel, he had control over a lot of men. This meant that he could arrange marriages between any two of these men he wanted to and keep all the ladies for himself.

"I think it's great that those two have found each other..." Mustang mused, a sly grin on his face, "If you ask me, I have great taste in who would make good couples. For example..." he said, eyeing the room. "Havoc and Breda..."

"What?" Breda exclaimed, "But I'm-"

"Am I not good enough?" Havoc snapped.

"Are you straight?"

"Yes! Aren't you straight also?"

"Yeah, I am!"

"No, you aren't." the Colonel argued, "I order you both to be attracted to each other, and each other only. In fact, I'm going to plan a wedding for you. The rest of you are ordered to help me plan the wedding."

_My plan is perfect, _Mustang thought.

"Roy, you can't-"

"Yes I can, Hughes." Mustang snapped. "And if your wife doesn't make the refreshments, I'll order you to divorce her and marry Major Armstrong instead."

"I would not be objected to that in the slightest." said Armstrong.

"See? Some people can follow orders. Of course, since I'm feeling so generous, I'll allow Havoc and Breda to decide what food they want."

"We want..." Havoc said.

"We want..." Breda said.

There was a long awkward silence where everyone stared at the two Lieutenants who were engaged against their will.

"A... shrubbery?" Hawkeye inquired.

"NO, STUPID, WE WANT TOAST!" Havoc and Breda hollered simultaneously.

"That makes Gracia's job a lot easier!" Hughes chimed, adding to Hawkeye, "And nobody will get your Monty Python reference, this is alchemy worl so knowing about something like that makes you a giant hipster."

Just then, Major Frank Archer burst in.

"Go away, Archer," Mustang said, "Nobody likes you."

Everyone scowled at Archer.

"Yeah, get out of here you hipster slut." Hughes added.

"We don't like posers like you to prowl in our domain." Armstrong added.

"Go listen to your so-called indie rock somehwere else." Mustang ordered.

"Fine," Archer said, "I just smelled toast in here."

"NO!" Mustang shouted, "This is our toast!"

All the soldiers stood guard. Mustang's main rule as of late was TOAST OR BE TOASTED.

"I just wanted to get rid of the awful smell..."

Everyone in the room gasped.

"He insulted toast..." Hawkeye mused. "What do we do, Colonel?"

Mustang thought for a moment. "Havoc, Breda..."

"Yes, sir?"

"Do you want some human meat at your wedding?"

"Ew, no-"

"That's not-"

"Yes? Good." Mustang said. Then he and Hughes grabbed the retractable katanas that soldiers in Armestris keep in their shoes for emergencies and started stabbing the shit out of Archer. Then, Mustang ordered Hawkeye, Havoc, and Breda to tenderize the meat by jumping up and down on Archer's stupid ugly corpse, so they did as they were told.

Hughes brought the meat home for Gracia to cook.

"Ooh, it smells lovely!" she said, "What kind of meat is it?"

"Uh... pork!" _I mean, Archer is a pig._

"Maes," she said, a bit scornfully, "did you and Roy cut up a subordinate you don't like and turn him into meat again?"

"Ooh... busted..."

"No, it's alright, I'm sure you have your reasons..."

"Frank Archer is a hipster prick is my reason." Maes said.

"Daddy, what's a prick?" Elicia said, entering the room.

"Don't say that!" Maes snapped, "It's one of many words for a bad, bad person... adults are safe to say it, but when a kid your age says it, one of these demons might show up... wait until you're... um, 14, and then, you can say prick all you want!"

Just then, someone rang the doorbell.

"That must be Roy!" Maes said, walking to the door. He opened it.

"Hey Maes," Roy said, "Problem."

"What is it, Roy? I really hope this seeming trend of homosexuality hasn't gotten to you and that you're here to do something other than make out with me."

"What?! No!" Roy exclaimed, "I am one hundred percent heterosexual! But speaking of homosexuals... or, bisexuals I guess... I don't know more like bombsexual-"

"Just get to the point," Maes snapped, "Or else my daughter might overhere us and I'll have to tell her that a 'sexual' is a kind of demon that shows up when anyone below the age of 14 says that."

Roy glared at Maes for one still moment. "You're a dick, Maes."

"Thanks, asshole, I return the compliment. This whole exchange could've been over really quickly if-"

"Solf J. Kimblee's been realeased from prison and reinstated as Lieutenant Colonel."

Maes gasped. "No..."

"And he's delighted to show up at Havoc and Breda's wedding. And because he outranks Hawkeye and company, he gets to plan the wedding too."

"Oh no..." Maes said, "We're all gonna die there, aren't we? And Havoc and Breda make such a cute couple..."

"Please," Roy said, "I'm running this show, and I outrank that scumbag."

"We'll make sure that dick has no opportunity to cause any-"

"Daddy, what's a-"

"NO, DON'T SAY THAT, IT'S ONE OF THE-"

"Oh, okay!" Elicia called back from inside the house, scampering away.

"You know," Roy muttered, "She'll forsake you when she learns the truth."

"Hasn't anyone ever told you that half of parenting is built on lying?"

"Oh..." Roy mused, "So that's why I didn't own a mini-skirt harem by the time I was 21..."

"Geez Roy you just never stop surprising me with how unbelievably messed up you are."

"Oh yeah?" Roy responded, "Well, Maes... you really need to shave!" At that, the Colonel turned around and walked away, whistling 'Bohemian Rhapsody'.

"SHUT UP YOU UGLY JELOUS BUTTLORD, MY BEARD IS BEAUTIFUL!"

Anyway, Fuery and Falman's date had gone amazingly well, and they decided to have dinner a few nights later, the night before Havoc and Breda's forced marriage.

"Y'know, Kain, I think I might really be in love with you."

"Y-you're serious?" Fuery inquired, "Oh, Vato... all my dreams are coming true!"

"And suddenly the nightmares about my stupid ex-girlfriend Anastony are finally going to become bearable." Falman said.

"Anastony... that's an... interesting name," Fuery pondered, overjoyed that this MAN who he'd eyed for so long was FALling for him. "So, Vato, my dearest most precious darling, just how bothered are you by age stuff, anyway?"

"Well, at first I was a bit reluctant... but after last night, well..."

"Yeah..." Fuery said, looking into Falman's eyes dreamily, "it was unbelievable..."

"I know, the stars were really beautiful that night. With you by my side, I could've stared at them for centuries..."

"Well, yeah, I mean the stars were pretty... but I meant when we, uh... you know, slept together?"

"Oh, right that... that was unbelievable but _this is the dinner table_."

"You're so old fashioned, Vato..."

"Aw, look at you two, arguing like a married couple!" said the waiter, "How adorable!"

"It's a good thing gay marriage is legal in Amestris," Fuery said after they ordered (toast, obviously), "You know, in a few years, we could consider that..."

"A few years?" Falman asked, taken aback, "We shouldn't have to wait that long... the way this is going, I might even want to marry you in a week, Kain!"

"Aw... well, see-"

"What?"

"I... can't exactly..."

"Why not? Are you not a legal citizen? I'll smuggle you to Xing or Drachma or something if I have to..."

"No, no, no! I mean, that's very sweet, but I'd get a citizenship. No, I have a citizenship, I mean, I am a soldier, but, my citizenship's kind of-"

"Just tell me, Kain. Nothing you say will make me love you less."

"Oh, well... I'm sort of..." Fuery leaned forward and Falman did the same, then Fuery whispered, "...I'm actually only 16."

Falman gasped, "B-but we've..."

"I know."

"Then how'd you become a soldier?"

"Well, Roy Mustang's kinda desperate, and he thinks I'm sorta talented, but he's mostly just desperate, so he got me the highest rank he could and put me on his team pretending that I'm actually 20 or 21..."

"Geez," Falman said, leaning back, "Well, we'll definitely have to slow this down..."

"You mean... you mean you're staying with me?! Vato, you're the most perfect-"

"Hold it, Kain," Falman said, putting one hand up, "This might surprise you, but... I actually have a son about your age."

"You do? How come I've never met him?"

"Well... I've never met him, either." Falman admitted.

"Ooh, parental neglect... hm, that's something I've struggled with. And watching my mom suffer from it too was always difficult."

"Kain, I promise, I'll make it up to you. We'll adopt some kids and be the most amazing dads Amestris has seen!"

"I know, it's just... wait what did you say your ex-girlfriend's name is?"

"Well... her first was Anastony, but she never told me her last name..."

Fuery gaped at him, his eyebrows lowered towards his nose. "Th... that's my mother's name!"

The next morning, as Fuery and Falman both slept alone despite what they'd planned the evening before, Havoc and Breda anxiously awaited their dreaded wedding. To the dismay of the wedding planners Colonel Mustang had assigned (which included Lieutenant Colonel Hughes, Major Armstrong, Lieutenant Hawkeye, Lieutenant Ross and Sergeant Brosh), Solf J. Kimblee was an amazing wedding planner, and took great pride in it. While he sauntered around, being as non-violent as any of them had ever seen, Armstrong, Hawkeye and Brosh ate only a little of the delicious "diced pork" (which was actually made from Frank Archer) and toast and instead felt like "drinking their weight" in champagne. This made Lieutenant Colonel Hughes and Lieutenant Ross very nervous, especially for Major Armstrong, given that he was, let's face it, a fucking giant.

"Oh, Colonel Mustang, thank goodness you're here!" Lieutenant Ross said when Roy finally showed up.

"Hm? What's happened now?"

"Oh, well..." she pointed to the table with the champagne, where the three aforementioned soldiers were already drinking pretty heavily.

"Eh," Roy said, "It's pretty early, but they don't even seem buzzed."

"Well, not yet, but-"

"Those three," Maes said, "Are upset with how amazing Kimblee is as planning weddings, so they've decided to drink a ton of champagne and that they don't care about my daughter witnessing the lamenting urine machines they'll no doubt become."

"Stupid blondes..." Mustang musturd.

"What," snapped a voice from behind, "did you say about blondes?"

"We don't take kindly to racial profiling around here."

"Now, Buccaneer," said a third voice, "He isn't hurting anyone."

Mustang, Hughes and Ross all turned around to look face Major General Armstrong, Major Miles, and Captain Buccaneer.

"Those Briggs hipsters weren't even invited, but Armstrong's our superior. What do we do?" Hughes muttered to Mustang and Ross.

"I don't know." Mustang responded, "Briggs men are callous dicks, though. We'll have to think of something to get rid of them."

"What are you all whispering about?" the General demanded.

"We don't take kindly to whispering around here." hissed Captain Buccaneer.

"Now, Buccaneer, he isn't hurting anyone..." Major Miles chided.

"No!" the Captain snapped, "I'd like to know something from the Colonel, here... if you joined the military knowing what your duty is, why are you whispering behind your superior's back right in front of her face?"

"Buccaneer," Miles said, "We don't want any trouble."

"That's alright," the Colonel said, "If we give you some toast, will you leave?"

The General laughed loudly, and then said, "Are you kidding? Your toast is cold. Why should we have that when we have access to freshly toasted toast?"

Buccaneer lifted his mechanical arm to display the latest and greatest upgrade- a crocodile with a built in toaster. Major Miles slung a giant bag of raw toast off his shoulder and placed two slices into Buccaneer's automail-toaster. Just fiften seconds later, two pieces of perfect toast popped out.

"See, we don't need your tacky mainstream toast." the General continued, "Besides, we like ours whole weat, because we have a backbone and actually maintain our health because it keeps up our strength. Also, the snow up there is enough white for us..." the General then laughed halfheartedly, "There's so much white, we had to get Major Miles here to even it out! Ha ha!"

"Thank you General, for making that lovely comment about me- probably the only person of color serving at Briggs- and treating me with all the respect I deserve."

"Shut up, Miles, nobody likes you." Mustang, Hughes and Ross all looked at her accusingly, "What? It's not because he's Ishbalan," she explained, "it's because he's the bass player."

"What?" Mustang snapped.

"It's Kimblee's planning," Ross explained, "they're the house band for the reception."

"Havoc and Breda wanted death metal," Miles explained, "It just so happens that in our free time, the three of rehearse in our death metal band. As you know, I'm the bassist. General Armstrong is the drummer and Captain Buccaneer plays guitar and sings... or wails, rather."

"Kimblee asked us and we willingly obliged," said the General, "We wanted to show off our skills. You think I came because I wanted to see your subordinates have their little wedding?"

"So how'd you get here so quickly, if I may ask?" said Lieutenant Colonel Hughes.

"We apparated." Captain Buccanner answered. "All Briggs soldiers are secretly wizards."

"Oh yeah..." Ross mumbled, "I forgot about that..."

"Well, it'd be fucking pathetic if we didn't have wedding gifts," said General Armstrong, "Let's go to Diagonal Alley and spend our money on people we don't care about."

"Sir." Miles and Buccaneer both said, and instantly, all three snapped and disappeared.

Mustang was about to say, 'Wait, what the hell just happened?' when the three Briggs higher-ups showed up again... not late, but with Starbucks. Armstrong had a bonzai tree, Buccaneer had a pumpkin, and Miles, several cabbages.

"Bonzai trees are the most cliché wedding gift ever," Armstrong said, "so I got one to show how little I care."

"This thing just appeared in front of me," Buccaneer explained, "So I used my money to buy a life size Antonio Banderez blow-up doll... I have no friends so I decided to get the first human-looking object I could find."

"Captain, that's honestly kind of pathetic," Miles criticized.  
"I know, Major," the Captain said really tearfully, "I just wanted a friend!"

"Well then don't swing your automail at everyone who's hand you try to shake. Anyway, this guy I met was ridiculously passionate about his cabbages so I bought them all... then he got pissed at me for supposedly taking his babies or something... he clearly had a screw loose."

"Holy shit," said Buccaneer, "The pumpkin just disappeared."

"It's probably bewitched." said the General.

"You'll just have to give them your doll, then." said Hughes.

"No! Not Antonio!"

"Captain," Armstrong snapped, "Do as the Lieutenant Colonel ordered and give the grooms your stupid balloon man after they get married."

"B... but he's my best friend!"

"Captain," the General continued, "You lost an entire fucking arm."

"That was nothing! I'd give my other arm, my legs and my balls to keep Antonio!"

"We could always use more meat!" Hughes exclaimed.

Just then, Fuery bust in. He was wearing the same suit he'd been wearing for days, since he'd been home doing nothing but crying and eating chocolate cake, some of which old, crusty, stenchy bits hung of off his suit. His specs were fogged over, crooked and fucked up, like a buffulo nailed to a basketball hoop (*note for the editor: change buffulo to brocoli stalk, otherwise PETA will have my balls for this). His presence did not go unnoticed; even amidst all the rumpadidly hooha.

"Fuery, what the hahoo doodlyrumpus are you doing?" asked Mustang.

"More importantly," said Hughes, "where the rumpaleedlee Hohenheim have you been?"

"I asked Falman, sirs," Ross intergected, "but he was just kind of awkward and-"

"FALMAAAAAAAAAAAAAN." He said, sobbing and rolling around and feeling depressed as shit.

"Yes, sergeant," said Mustang, "Your... boyfrie-"

Fuery then started barfing, except he barfed rubber duckies. Hughes picked up a blue one with a little white bow.

"Wow, this is so cute, Elicia will love it!" he exclaimed, "And more to the point, I've saved money so I can buy some booze."

"FALMAAA-"

"What did you guys break up or something?" Mustang asked.

"HE- HE-"

"Told you it wasn't meant to be?" Hughes asked, "That's okay, guys that stay single often make it to high ranks! I even know a Colonel like-"

"Shut the fuck up you conservative slut."

"HE'S MY LONG LOST FATHERRRRrrrr...r."

"Oh..." said Hughes, "Shi-"

But Mustang would not let him finish his... is that even a sentence? Who gives a fuck, this story has almost reached it's climactic ending. Seriously the end is so amazing you'll never guess what happened but it's like everyone dies and oh oops. Anyway, the Colonel felt obliged to speak for these two men who were meant to be, to tell the poor, braindead Fuery that the man he'd fallen for was still his true love, blood relation or not, but just as the last crucial wedding guests arrived- the Elric Brothers- Scar showed up and murdered everyone, saying it was his revenge on the fandom for not including him in their giant-group-picture fanart, and for forgetting that he was a major character.

And the moral of the story is that Scar is a great character, and if you're reading this, it's highly likely that you're an FMA fan who forgot what an amazing and important character he is. Shame on you.


End file.
